Friday, September 2, 2011


So.....I am short on time as life is moving so quick now....last saturday we not only met our children but kept them for the weekend.
Our son took to his dad right off (previous day he did not want to meet us) and both have called us mom and dad since the first hour.
They are beautiful, intelligent and amazing children.  we are so in love.   Lol..
Of course there are the expected behavior issues but at this point nothing serious has shown.  Just some rules and boundaries that need to be taught.

All in all it was a perfect weekend.   This weekend the kids are being brought to us tonight and picked up Monday.  This was great until our house flooded yesterday.  Now we have carpets ripped up walls cut out and I am not going to cancel.  Everything is sanitized.  Perhaps backyard camping?  I think that it is good having a 'life' experience this early and it will show the social workers that we can take care of the problems quickly while keeping the children safe.  At least thats what my adoptive parent friends tell i am just worried about what the sw will say.  But i am not going to cancel over this.
Cannot wait to see the kids tonight.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


Ahhh.... it is done....  I feel so much relief now.  It has been 24hrs.  Took some time to decompress and to just fully immerse myself in the files.

We knew the worst of the abuses going in, so there were no suprises, only the very explicit details. 

The meeting was not at all what I expected.  Our social worker was there, the state adoptions worker, the county worker and the childrens therapist.  All this time I thought I had been dealing with the county worker, but it was actually the state adoption worker..perfect because we have a great relationship.  I genuinely like her.  The county worker is wonderful, and so is the therapist.  We gained some real insight into our children, and it was a very positive meeting.  There are not as many problems as we expected, so that is relieving.  Though, things of course may arise at a later time, and we have the tools to deal with them.

After 4 hours, we were finished, and back to another 3 hour drive.  A very joy filled drive.  Granted there is the formality of waiting till monday to say we want to proceed, but at the meeting we all knew it would move forward and made our visitation schedule!!!!  YES VISITATION....oh how I love that word right now...

So, on monday morning I will call our worker and tell him we wish to proceed, he in turn will contact the state worker, who will contact the county worker.  They will then take the photobooks to the children to 'introduce' us.  On Saturday we go and meet, and sunday again we spend time.  The following weekend we have them at our motel room, and so on every weekend for the next 4-6 weeks.  Then they will get to come spend the night with us :)

For those not familiar with a photobook, it is customary in our area to make a photobook for the children to keep between visits.  This book is pictures of you, the family in the home, inside/outside of home, pets, anything significant.  That way when they finally come home, they are already familiar with the house, pets, etc...
It is helpful for the SW's and current FPs to use for transitioning the child/ren.'s the secret the album child friendly, to the childs age/gender.  One for each child. Think as a child as you do this, not as an adult.  Everyone was amazed by the albums I made, the SW said I score extra brownie points lol.  I used full size scrapbooks I bought on sale at walmart.  I bought 15n pages of stickers at the dollar store, girly ones and boy ones.  I printed up pictures one each, and 3-4pics to a page.  Each pic held in place by a fun sticker, puffy stickers, toy story, anything that catches that childs gender/age group attention.  I wrote in colored marker on the pages.  I started with our street, our driveway our house.  next was a page each for hubby and I with about 12-15 sentences such as Christy likes dogs, Kevin likes cars, etc...  Use the name on each sentence.  The sentences give the children bonding points with similarities.  Then I did a pet page, and info about the pet.  Then interior pages and exterior pages, including a page of the playground in our yard.  A car page, a vacation/ocean page, a bedroom page, a toy page.  On at least every other page I incorporated pictures of us.  Always bring them back to us.  The last pages I inserted more paper, but left blank, and put sticker sheets in.  That way they can begin to put in thier own pictures as we visit/transition. 
We have a digi, and plan on taking pics the first/second day, then the afternoon of day two taking the kids to a photo kiosk center and letting them pick thier own pictures to print for their photo albums.

Okay, back to the disclosure, we have gone over all the disturbing and vivid details and medical records of the abuse, the court records, education records...everything.  I AM MAD.  I am ANGRY, that anyone could do such things to thier children....I am even angrier that a safe place (former foster home) also abused my kids.

I am full of love and head over heels in love with my son & daughter.  I will be damned if anyone ever hurts them again while in my care.  I will take every measure to ensure that they are given every tool possible to heal.

I cannot even begin to describe this joy inside of me... tears of happiness constantly threaten as I think towards next weekend and make hotel reservations. 

I am a mom.

WOW...what a wonderful thing to be able to say...  I'm a mom!!!!!  WOOO HOOOO

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Excitement and fear...

So now we are waiting for the disclosure appointment.  The social worker who will be taking over the children’s case in our county will need to be able to come to the meeting as well.  We will actually have to meet with the children’s social worker, the placement committee, our social worker, etc… one big party.

We are very excited J

I am by nature a planner…I have begun organizing resources.  Getting things in place and ready for when they finally arrive.  We will be going to the schools and meeting the teachers, staff etc…finding out what special services they can arrange for children with special needs (in case that is needed).  I need to arrange tutors because they say my daughter is lagging due to the things that were happening in her life. 

I am waiting back from a family therapist on openings/fees.  I am arranging horse therapy, which is incredible.  The lady is just amazing with the children and animals.  I have friends who take their RAD child, and friends who take 2 of their aggressive children, both believe it has made a tremendous impact. 

Time to find a regular church too.  I believe that Christian fundamentals help to build a solid moral foundation.  We go periodically, but now with the children coming I want to establish a more solid church family. 

Most of all though….I AM SCARED.

I am terrified that I will fail as a parent.

I pray that our children come to trust us, and that they will be able to believe that we love them unconditionally.

I pray that they will find peace and be able to begin the healing process.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE PREGNANT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Just recieved the news.  I have tears of joy in my eyes and I cannot even properly describe the emotions with mere words.

How can I express the joy and excitement?  How does one describe the feeling of pure happiness?
All thes anxiety & frustration faded away, replaced by such a peaceful feeling.

I sit here at work, on the outside calmly typing and texting all the while inside I am having a party!!!!!!

I cannot wait to get out of work and go celebrate! 

I have a son and a daughter :)

We still have to schedule the disclosure meeting, but since I already know the most heinous things that were done to my children, disclosure is a mere formality.  I know disclosure is the time most people are horrified by the details and back out.  For me disclosure is simple more detailed information.  Detailed information is a tool that goes into my toolbox.  Knowledge is power, and the more I have the more I can help, the more resources I can arrange.  For me disclosure is not a deciding factor.  I decided the first moment I was told about them.  The social worker had two sentences out and I fell in love.

I love them already...and I look forward to the day I get to meet my children.


Happiness shared is twice the happiness....pain shared is half the pain....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Is it me, or is it them?

I wonder how much more anxiety...


I am fine with the time the process takes, I am not fine waiting on a yes or no for the match...just tell me so we can proceed!  lol. 
I was supposed to know today... 

So now I sit wondering what happened?  Why didn't the phone call come?

The logical part of me says, they havn't called because they decided it was not a match.  They just havn't made the time to tell me thanks for submitting your homestudy, but we don't think this will work out.

The hopeful side of me tells myself that they didn't have time to convene today, or that my social worker was too busy to call and let me know that it is a match.

I can easilly drive myself crazy tonight thinking of the why's and why nots.

The simple fact is, they didn't call.  I am disappointed.  My heart hurts because I want to know so badly, and I am so scared that they are going to call tomorow and tell me no.

Today's the day....

Friday was the meeting/conference call to answer the placement committee questions.

I thought I was prepared for whatever questions they asked LOL boy was I wrong!!

The biggest concern seemed to be how dealing with a child who has a similar past will affect me, will it trigger my own issues?  Honestly, I hate to sound overly confident but I am so way past any issues and triggers.  I have come too far in life to let anything affect that progress.  I have become a very strong person both emotionally and psychologically.  How can I express that to strangers?  I can only assure them that I do not at this time see how anything could trigger a past issue, but that since we will be so active with therapy/counseling that if I felt any uncertainties or unusual feelings I would promptly address it in therapy.
I hope that is a good enough was honest and hopefully enough to reassure them that I will have a good support system.

They are concerned for DH, how sometimes young girls when they are mad or upset will make false allegations of sexual abuse, and how would he handle that?
Our answer was if that came up, it would of course hurt our feelings, but we wouldn't be mad at the child.  We understand it is just a way of pushing away so they don't get hurt, testing how much they are loved, and that it would be something to address in therapy and work out why they felt the need to do that.

A huge issue was that we have been asked to use birth control (they will ask this of all families regardless of infertility/menopause, etc) during pre-adoption placement.  Due to past experiences it is of utmost importance that there are no pregnancies during the placement of these children.  They must be only children, and have the complete attention/affection of a two parent household. 

The children were abused physically, mentally, sexually.  They were neglected and lived in chaos and witnessed domestic violence (including in the last fost/adopt home).  They have had multiple placements.  Both were drug/alcohol exposed in utero.

So...even knowing many of the heinous details...we still want these children...

The committee will convene today and make the final decision.

I continue praying for the children. 

I will cross my fingers and hope that we are chosen. 

I cannot wait till this afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ugh....I hate waiting....


Friday, August 5, 2011


The placement committe convened yesterday....
They are interested in us as a match but have more questions.

They are requesting a conference call today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Am I Pregnant???

Some of my friends who have adopted call the process 'the trying to get pregnant phase....'
and then when you have a match you are 'pregnant'.  Sometimes this ends in a 'miscarriage' if the match fails for whatever reason.  Of course miscarriage is a harsh term considering how devestating such a thing can be.  Losing a match can be that heartbreaking.  The whole process can be very frustrating, heartbreaking, and painful.

So I sit here wondering if I am pregnant.

I recieved the good news that the social worker of the sibling set we want so badly has chosen us. 

YAY!!!  right?

But there is another step in that county that I didn't know about. 

The placement committee. 

The childrens social worker will present us to this committee and they have the ultimate decision on if we are the match for these children.  I am told that they usually go with the social workers choice.  I've also been told that the childrens social worker is very experienced and her opinion is valued, that she will push for us and make it happen.  She already weeded out the rest of the homestudies and will only be presenting us.

So...should I be happy???  Should I still be worried???

Am I pregnant???

I'm scared, apprehensive...and yet....I am filled with joy.

Somehow, deep inside I feel they are already mine, yet the logical me keeps saying hold on babe...don't get your hopes up.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Where we are now.

December 13, 2009 - Submitted application to agency.

January 16, 2010 - Began PRIDE classes

February, March, April, May 2010 - Various adoption, foster care & parenting classes.

June 2010 - Livescan

July 2010 - Kevin approved, Christy excluded due to past history.

August 2010 - Appeal for Christy's exclusion began.

October 2010 - Christy approved by state to adopt.

November 2010 - Christy approved by Agency to adopt.

December 2010 - more classes

January, February 2011 - paperwork...lots of paperwork.

March 2011 - Christy's exclusion was lost.

March 2011 - Christys paperwork was found.

March 2011 - Homestudy fees paid

April 2011 - In house visits began

May 2011 - More home study visits

June 2011 - Final homestudy visit including family/friends.

June 2011 - Homestudy complete/approved.

July 01, 2011 - Family profile on the books.

July 08, 2011 - Submitted interest on sibling set.

July 11, 2011 - Notified siblings were already matched.

July 14, 2011 - submitted interest on two sibling sets.

July 28, 2011 - Notified one sibling set RU'd

July 29, 2011 - Notified that we are one of two preferred choices for our preferred sibling set. SW is still trying to decide which family will be best for these two children.

August 2, 2011 - Still waiting on word of match.  Praying, wishing, hoping. 

Still looking forward to meeting our children....We love them already.....

The backstory....

A lifetime spent as a ward of the court....

At 14 months old I was taken at gunpoint from my biological mother.
I was severely neglected & abused, filthy, emaciated and covered with ciggarette burns.

My great great grandparents (aged 57 & 63) were awarded guardianship.  During a course of 13 years the courts would never allow them to legally adopt due to thier advanced age.  Raised on a farm with 6 acres and a creek it was a seemingly perfect childhood.  I grew up in a christian home, and private school. I was happy.  I was spoiled mercilessly.  I was molested from as far back as I have memory, until I was around 10, by a 'family friend'.

An example of how spoiled... I rode the pony ride...did not want to get off...2 hours later on that same pony...'daddy' bought me the pony.  All of my material childhood desires were granted.  As funny as some of the stories are, I look back and smile because I know they loved me.  However, they did me a disservice for my future.

At the age of 14, I lost both of my grand parents within 6 months of one another.

From 14 years of age until 18, I had 6 placements.

The first had two bio children.  I believe I was brought in to merely care for them.  The oldest a girl 2 years younger than I would do things deliberatly and lie that it was me so that I would be punished.  This lasted 3 months.

Placement 2 was kincare.  By this time due to grief and loss issues it was too late.  I belive if this placement would have had the knowledge and tools available today they would have been able to control me and help me heal.  Placement lasted 2 years.

3rd placement with bio parent/step parent...and the nightmare continued.  A bio mother whose abuse was violently physical and cruelly mental.  A step father whose abuse was chronic and severely sexual.  This placement lasted 10 months.

4th placement with emergency foster care lasted 6 weeks.

5th placement put me back with previous kincare provider.  Lasted 3 months.

6th placement put me with a NREFM (non related extended family member) which lasted for 3 months.

During those tumultuous years I raged within, turning against everyone and everything.  At 14 I began useing methamphetamine.  This was my drug of choice for the next 17 years.  I spent those 17 years in a spiral of self hatred, self abuse, many violent relationships, and the eventual felony conviction. I was killing myself slowly...and I knew it.  I even welcomed the idea of death. Yet there was always a small part of me that enjoyed life and perhaps my curiosity of what would happen next that kept me from actual suicide.

After my drug conviction I realized that it was time to make a change.  I could no longer continue this way.  I knew within a year I would be dead or in prison for good. 

The first change was to walk away from a abusive relationship with the clothes on my back.  I never looked back.  I had 14 days clean at that moment and I began to feel my own internal strength. 

The second change was to overcome my addiction.  This was a challenge, but I am a very strong willed person...I am a fighter ready to take on challenge.

It is 11 years later.  I have survived & overcome.  I have 11 years clean.  I am a psychology major, and I instruct workshops on R.A.D.  I work as an assistant in the local/regional foster/kincare education programs.  In 2009 I married the man of my dreams.

In all of this though, even as a child, I knew that I never wanted to birth my own children.  As a child I knew that I wanted to adopt the children that nobody else wanted.  Now as an adult, I am finally able to realize that dream... Thus our journey to adopt from foster care begins...

Here we go...

This is the beginning of a new journey, a new part of my life that is bringing me full circle.

I have a need to document this path, not only for my own self, but for those who might need encouragement as well. 

I am not perfect, far from it. 

I am not the type of person you might even associate with.

I will not judge you, and I hope that you will offer me the same courtesy...

My husband and I decided to adopt.

This is our journey towards adoption, one that will bring me full circle.